08/08/2020 - 2345

my mom dragged me hiking. every time im exhausted from hanging out with my friends she decides that the very next day, when i havent slept for 4 days and want to dig a hole to die in, is when she is going to take me out. it was awful as expected. i did get some pink monster that i mixed into my lime slushy, def recommend. with a shot of vodka to top it all off would have been perfect.

anyways, dylan and i hung out when i got home. it wasn't too bad. he told me that he told xan about how he likes sam. so for sure sam knows now. but dylan said he'd move on cuz it's not healthy for him to pine after straight men. good on him i hope he finds happiness. and that everything works out for everyone involved. also xan texted me and almost made me cry. almost. but we talked it out and he's just mad about the situation in general on behalf of his friend which i completely understand. and xan's also got his own shit going on. lizzie and i have both decided to be voiceless on the matter. everyone is rooting for xan honestly.

07/08/2020 - 2132

yesterday i hung out with louise lizzie and her older brother. we went to the botanical gardens. it was actually really fun. every time i hang out with her brother, i feel like we connect really well which i like because he's my best friend's older bro. it feels good that he can stand me. we talked about all sorts of random stuff and i felt really good about it.

later, he drove us to thelma's cat's where we watched movies. one friend was already there but dylan joined. i've never talked about it here but dylan is probably one of the most draining people i've ever hung out with. i love him to pieces but he can be so needy sometimes. i hate that i have to write it down like this because i genuinely like hanging out with him but that's the way he is sometimes. lately especially. and so usually i can go out with him and be completely fine but i don't know why that day when he came i really was not in the mood. mitty sam and i are not on the best terms (i dont know, im very confused at this point) and the only thing dylan has been able to talk to me about lately is the man in question. i don't ever mind him talking to me about things like that. he finds a new soulmate every 6 months. but he doesn't realize how shitty i feel about the situation and dylan talking to me about mitty 24/7 is so much. there was a point in the night where he saw me text sam and tried to guilt trip me into stopping because 'that wasn't the healthiest thing to do for either of us'. WHEN HE WAS THE ONE TO SUGGEST FOR ME TO REACH OUT TO HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE TO 'check he was alright cuz he opened to me more'. (sam wasn't being very friendly on text either but i guess i deserve that so i don't really mind, it's just added to dylan that i was yucked). there is also the fact that he kind of invited himself over to cat's without even asking anyone. he just tags along sometimes which i'm also not the biggest fan of espcially because cat's parents had been very clear about the limit of people cuz covid and she was really stressed out. anyways he ended up leaving and it was just cat, liz, a friend (xan) and i all night and we slept over and it was great... for the most part.

we all pulled all-nighters and decided to go watch the sunset. it was fun. the thing you have to know about xan is that he is probably one of sam's closest friends. ever. and so though there wasn't tension at all between the both of us (thank god), there was a point in the next morining where lizzie (in all her splendid stupidity) brings up sam. xan and i try to change the subject subtly but bless her dumbass soul, she doesn't register. anyways, i have to expicitly tell her that if she doesn't change the subject i will get sad. and xan says he'll get mad. cat kind of has something going on with him so when i pull her aside and ask her what he meant by that she tells me that he's mad at me. on account of sam being really depressed lately? which made me sad. but i don't know apparently i make myself out to be the victim so i just shut up.

anyways, for the rest of the day following the sleep over, cat and xan had plans to join the main friend group for paint balling (which i really wanted to go to but i'm poor and lizzie couldn't go on account of her bad knee so we both passed). they did that and lizzie and i just hung around downtown and made a day of it. it was fun but i ended up getting really sad towards the end and we went home. i'm really emotionally drained at the moment but i can't really sleep. yeah :).

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i've talked to lizzie (louise) about this website and she said i shouldn't care about sam (mitty) being a dumb fucking bitch. this is my space and i'll keep using it and if he wants to be messy he can be messy. that's on him.

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05/08/2020 - 1511

i am incredibly sad at the moment. in case you haven't noticed, i've deleted my entire diary page. i made the mistake of showing mitty sam (no point in using pseudonyms at this point) one of my favourite neocities websties. he asked me where i found stuff like this and he is a very pushy person so i told him about neocities. and then he connected the dots and asked to see mine. it was so stupid of me lmao. my fault for showing him anything to begin with. i couldn't very well keep this page up because he would have read alot of things i don't want anyone knowing about and this site was very personal to me. i've never shown it to anyone. i was thinking about showing lizzie lizzie and my sister this eventually because i felt they were worthy but that means nothing now. anyways i told him i was never going to fully use this page anymore. AND HE HAD THE GALL TO GET MAD AT ME. THE ONLY REASON I SHOWED HIM THIS STUPID THING WAS BECAUSE HE'S THE PUSHIEST PERSON I KNOW AND I KNEW HE WOULN'T LET IT GO AND I FELT BAD FOR THE WAY I TREATED HIM. AND THEN HE SAID HE WAS MAD BECAUSE "it's a good outlet for my thoughts and emotions and i don't open up about them enough". i hadn't noticed how attached i was to this stupid site until he said that because i started sobbing because SAM IF YOU'RE READING THIS, YOU TOOK THAT AWAY FROM ME YOU FUCKING MORON. I TOLD YOU THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN AND YOU WANTED TO SEE IT ANYWAYS SO I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY. he promised me he'd never go on it without my permission but i'm not a fucking idiot. anyways, this happened yesterday night but i'm gonna start crying again. i just wanted to tell you guys who care enough to read my stupid entries that i wasn't gonna do these logs anymore. maybe i will for things i want to remember but i doubt it. i'll see. i'll still use the rest of the site but a lot less and not as openly about my thoughts and personal life. it was nice while it lasted. i love you all. :)