this is gonna be a vent post (as most of these are) so if that's not what you're into, tuff. i'm literally swamped with school right now and it's the second fuckin week. why did i go in health science im actually fucking stupid how did i think i could do this. my dumbass mechanics prof gave us a quiz today that absolutely no one knew about and the entire time he insisted he told us, when in fact he had not. i also have a lab report for tomorrow that i have no idea how to do. my english prof never knows what she assigned the previous class. my chem prof's handwriting is unreadable and he is unbearable. my calc prof is a calc prof, enough said. i actually hate everything about online school it's so disgusting. it's all of the stress and work and exhaustion with none of the things that usually make school even minimally bearable. no fooling around in the common room, no studying with friends, no hanging out after school. no escaping my house. my mom and i fight all the time, im always tired, i hate talking to people and i feel generally very shit about myself.
i don't think i've felt this shit about everything since the beginning of april. but like i said in my previous post, i'll get over it and none will be the wiser. actually, that's not completely true. my mom asked me if anything was wrong cuz apparently i was cutting the watermelon in a very depressed manner (idk, her words not mine). i told her i was fine and this bitch had the audacity to press further. like she hadnt just tried to gaslight me 30 minutes earlier. lmao ok ma'am. anyways she's doing okay now. she was in the hospital a few days ago (she blamed it on me and not on the fact that she doesnt have a colon because i'm the root of all evil ofc) and so i tried to stay out of her way for a while. kinda hard considering my house is Hate Max GQ but we did it boys. all it took was never getting out of my room unless it was to pee or get a cup of water. anyway, i feel like i've wasted enough time as it is. i'm gonna get back to my work. xo
im pretty sure you're seeing this right now. shut up.
it's really fucking awful knowing you're who's in your way and not being able to do anything about it. i know what i have to do and i know how to do it but when comes time for actions i fuck it up. or i do too much. i can't find a healthy middle, a reasonable compromise, where everyone wins and i'm not completely miserable. it's so simple, so why can't i fucking manage. i wake up every single day and i feel like it's just out of reach. but everytime i make a step towards it, i realize it wasnt as close as i thought. i don't even know what it is, i just know it's something i need. god i sound so fucking stupid.
first day of online school was today. painfully underwhelming. i don't know if i'll be able to do this shit for 4 more months. i'll figure something out. in the meantime, i'll just do my best to not miss any classes. that's it. i hope whoever is reading this is doing good. xo
any time i think of literally any one in my life other than like two people i feel so much disgust and contempt. like i just want everyone to leave me alone. like they talk to me and i sit there and listen and i feel like they expect so much of me and i dont like it. i talked to lizzie about it yesterday and that helped. we hung out and that was cool but then when i got home i also went on a walk with dylan and we had a few cigarettes. it was really weird bcuz he was having a god complex moment and i was fantasizing about setting myself on fire and essentially spiralling. i dont think he noticed but if he did he didnt say anything. at the moment i just want to crawl under my sheets with nothing but an ipod nano with every single song known to man on it and never get out.
i'm really tired right now. everything hurts and i walked around town for what felt like forever yesterday and i woke up feeling so shit. my feet are full of blisters. i think theres something wrong with them cuz last i checked your feet arent supposed to get blisters from walking in socks? idk. also i fainted yesterday night so thats no good. i'm really sad because i dont get the same relief i used to get from writing on here. i want to write on here and vent like i used to but it feels pointless. it's starting to feel like a chore. i don't think ill stop in hopes of the feeling coming back but i dont know. i just dont get excited to talk the void like i used to.
i think ill just go to bed and hope tomorrow doesnt feel this bad
it's been a while since i checkecked with this. i'm sorry i've been away, i've been busy, and i haven't really had the time to do much else. but my laptop started working today out of the blue so i figured this would be a good occasion to update this. i start school in a week or something. i got my schedule and i hate it but they don't really tell us anything else.
in other news, im pretty sure everyone hates me. and before anyone says "oh but max, your mind always goes there, that's not true", i can assure you that this time it is. and i'm not the only one to think it. i'm considering just cutting them off as well. i don't really know how to deal with people so when they make it clear that they don't want me around i usually respect their decision and promptly piss off. the reason i feel this way is because they're so obviously taking mitty's side. and please don't get me wrong, i understand that completely. i just didn't really expect for them to write me off as the village whore so easily. it felt to me (maybe im insane or something) but it felt to me like they were my friends. and friends hang out together and don't talk shit. one guy even was so petty as to unfollowed me on instagram and just requested me again (???) i don't know, i get it, truly. i fucked up and now im paying the price. i guess i just expected everyone to mind their business a little bit more. and to be subtle about it when they didn't.
i have a lot of trouble writing anything here seeing as mitty knows about it and could send it to anyone or tell anyone about it's contents and the very last thing i want is for those idiots to know what i'm thinking. or for them to all of a sudden act super nice and go back to how things were before. if i'm being honest, some twisted part of me kind of wants for them to completely ignore me and leave me. for them to talk shit all the time and actually go full psycho in cutting me off. so i actually have a reason for leaving and never looking back and for them to never ask about me again. i don't know. i guess i have to talk to mitty but if im being honest i dont want to. at all. every one of his friends probably agree that i'm a huge bitch who should be cut off and they probably don't understand why we're still talking and im tempted to give them what i know they want. i don't know i guess i'll see how this plays out.
my mom dragged me hiking. every time im exhausted from hanging out with my friends she decides that the very next day, when i havent slept for 4 days and want to dig myself a hole to die in, is when she is going to take me out. it was awful as expected. i did get some pink monster that i mixed into my lime slushy, def recommend. with a shot of vodka to top it all off would have been perfect.
anyways, dylan and i hung out when i got home. it wasn't too bad. he told me that he told xan about how he likes sam. so for sure sam knows now. but dylan said he'd move on cuz it's not healthy for him to pine after straight men. good on him i hope he finds happiness. and that everything works out for everyone involved. also xan texted me and almost made me cry. almost. but we talked it out and he's just mad about the situation in general on behalf of his friend which i completely understand. and xan's also got his own shit going on. lizzie and i have both decided to be voiceless on the matter. everyone is rooting for xan honestly.
yesterday i hung out with
louise lizzie and her older brother. we went to the botanical gardens. it was actually really fun. every time i hang out with her brother, i feel like we connect really well which i like because he's my best friend's older bro. it feels good that he can stand me. we talked about all sorts of random stuff and i felt really good about it.
later, he drove us to
thelma's cat's where we watched movies. one friend was already there but dylan joined. i've never talked about it here but dylan is probably one of the most draining people i've ever hung out with. i love him to pieces but he can be so needy sometimes. i hate that i have to write it down like this because i genuinely like hanging out with him but that's the way he is sometimes. lately especially. and so usually i can go out with him and be completely fine but i don't know why that day when he came i really was not in the mood. mitty sam and i are not on the best terms (i dont know, im very confused at this point) and the only thing dylan has been able to talk to me about lately is the man in question. i don't ever mind him talking to me about things like that. he finds a new soulmate every 6 months. but he doesn't realize how shitty i feel about the situation and dylan talking to me about mitty 24/7 is so much. there was a point in the night where he saw me text sam and tried to guilt trip me into stopping because 'that wasn't the healthiest thing to do for either of us'. WHEN HE WAS THE ONE TO SUGGEST FOR ME TO REACH OUT TO HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE TO 'check he was alright cuz he opened to me more'. (sam wasn't being very friendly on text either but i guess i deserve that so i don't really mind, it's just added to dylan that i was yucked). there is also the fact that he kind of invited himself over to cat's without even asking anyone. he just tags along sometimes which i'm also not the biggest fan of espcially because cat's parents had been very clear about the limit of people cuz covid and she was really stressed out. anyways he ended up leaving and it was just cat, liz, a friend (xan) and i all night and we slept over and it was great... for the most part.
we all pulled all-nighters and decided to go watch the sunset. it was fun. the thing you have to know about xan is that he is probably one of sam's closest friends. ever. and so though there wasn't tension at all between the both of us (thank god), there was a point in the next morining where lizzie (in all her splendid stupidity) brings up sam. xan and i try to change the subject subtly but bless her dumbass soul, she doesn't register. anyways, i have to expicitly tell her that if she doesn't change the subject i will get sad. and xan says he'll get mad. cat kind of has something going on with him so when i pull her aside and ask her what he meant by that she tells me that he's mad at me. on account of sam being really depressed lately? which made me sad. but i don't know apparently i make myself out to be the victim so i just shut up.
anyways, for the rest of the day following the sleep over, cat and xan had plans to join the main friend group for paint balling (which i really wanted to go to but i'm poor and lizzie couldn't go on account of her bad knee so we both passed). they did that and lizzie and i just hung around downtown and made a day of it. it was fun but i ended up getting really sad towards the end and we went home. i'm really emotionally drained at the moment but i can't really sleep. yeah :).
i am incredibly sad at the moment. in case you haven't noticed, i've deleted my entire diary page. i made the mistake of showing
mitty sam (no point in using pseudonyms at this point) one of my favourite neocities websties. he asked me where i found stuff like this and he is a very pushy person so i told him about neocities. and then he connected the dots and asked to see mine. it was so stupid of me lmao. my fault for showing him anything to begin with. i couldn't very well keep this page up because he would have read alot of things i don't want anyone knowing about and this site was very personal to me. i've never shown it to anyone. i was thinking about showing lizzie lizzie and my sister this eventually because i felt they were worthy but that means nothing now. anyways i told him i was never going to fully use this page anymore. AND HE HAD THE GALL TO GET MAD AT ME. THE ONLY REASON I SHOWED HIM THIS STUPID THING WAS BECAUSE HE'S THE PUSHIEST PERSON I KNOW AND I KNEW HE WOULN'T LET IT GO AND I FELT BAD FOR THE WAY I TREATED HIM. AND THEN HE SAID HE WAS MAD BECAUSE "it's a good outlet for my thoughts and emotions and i don't open up about them enough". i hadn't noticed how attached i was to this stupid site until he said that because i started sobbing because SAM IF YOU'RE READING THIS, YOU TOOK THAT AWAY FROM ME YOU FUCKING MORON. I TOLD YOU THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN AND YOU WANTED TO SEE IT ANYWAYS SO I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY. he promised me he'd never go on it without my permission but i'm not a fucking idiot. anyways, this happened yesterday night but i'm gonna start crying again. i just wanted to tell you guys who care enough to read my stupid entries that i wasn't gonna do these logs anymore. maybe i will for things i want to remember but i doubt it. i'll see. i'll still use the rest of the site but a lot less and not as openly about my thoughts and personal life. it was nice while it lasted. i love you all. :)